I’ve unearthed a lot of things underneath my bed. In the summer of 2013, I came back to NYC for a visit and to bring back some stuff before the final move back. All those things slept peacefully under my bed until this afternoon. I found 2 kapibaras, 1 McDonald’s fry holder which is built for cup holders in cars, and a children’s book about the secret of breasts. Yesterday I took the time to go through my finances and my mom gave me the will I wrote before leaving for Japan. In it, I urged people to find my killer if I died in mysterious circumstances. I still stand by what I wrote 5 years ago, “That shit ain’t cool!”
My reaction too! What are cargo capri pants? This is the look I get when I see a bunch of cargo pants. I understand that they have a lot of pockets…but I feel there are better options for pants. SIGH.
I heard returning home after Japan would be tough, how people would experience reverse culture shock and how they don’t expect it because it’s where you’re from…you’re not supposed to be surprised by those things. On Sunday night and into Monday morning, I cried for a couple of hours. I dunno why I’m writing that, but I feel I should because it’s what I felt and I think it’s good to write about…? (LAME)
Anyway, I felt immense pressure mentally to make decisions. While away, my mother moved to Brooklyn while my father stayed in Queens which is where I grew up and had embarrassing teenage-college years. Staying that last fifth year in Japan was primarily a way for me to save money and also avoid deciding who I’d live with. I wanted to be free. Coming back was tough. The house in Queens has not had people care for it and is undergoing renovations thus holes in the ceiling, sitting next to paint tins, and getting to the fridge by navigating over construction tools. Initially, I thought to myself, “I cannot stay here.” But the second time I came by for a visit, my aunt called my name, then asked me if I ate dinner. I said I hadn’t, then she started telling me how I should get a masters degree and told me a bunch of examples of people who did masters and now are very successful. During a lull in the conversation, she became silent like a hunter who just spotted a prey and goes, “It’s time to eat.” (I think she smelt the cooked rice) I really appreciated that. To her, it was not a question if we would eat together. We were going to eat together, no questions asked. I really appreciated that because being gone for so long…it really makes you wonder if people forget about you and if you mattered to them at all.
In retrospect, that was such a silly and dark thought. When I was in Queens, I had gone to drink tea with my family. My aunt and grandma were saying that I looked really happy (who couldn’t be happy with all them barbecued meats?!) and my cousin turned to me and said, “I know you’re pulling a ‘Robin Williams’ right now.” I feel a lot better now, the crying was cathartic. Going back to Queens showed me how much people do care for me: Lillian upon hearing there was no food in the house fridge, packed me a slab of turkey and cheese; my other aunt stopped by a bakery to get me a sandwich for breakfast; Lillian’s mom asked if I wanted to take some instant noodles and I told her I didn’t have a pot to boil it in. My cousin Vivien would text me, ask me if I ate and if I needed her boyfriend to make me spam and macaroni.
While I was away in Queens, my mom texted me daily. I think she missed me. (I don’t know if she reads this blog….errr…) She’s done a lot to try and make me feel at home in Brooklyn. She gave me one of her closets and helped me pick up a dresser from IKEA. Its hard for me to live in Brooklyn because I don’t know where anything is, I was on a 15 minute search for a working pen. Last week I had a fight with the conventional oven too. I also don’t want to be a burden for her because paying for another person’s electricity and water usage is kinda much.
Anyway…I think I’ll be okay…maybe. There’s going to be more adjustment, but it’s gonna be okay!
Just a bit of tea before getting down to business (writing, organizing life stuff)
I haven’t had a cup in a week or so…? I used to have one with breakfast, then when I got to the office and then another one at midday.
Do I wanna know
If this feeling flows both ways?
Sad to see you go
Was sort of hoping that you’d stay
Baby we both know
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day
Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I’ve thought it through
Crawling back to you
I listened to the Arctic Monkeys on the plane ride and they’re pretty good. Even thinking of buying the album.